Comedian Ari Shaffir

This review is going to be particularly difficult for me for two reasons. First of all, I’ve never written a movie review before. As with any new endeavor, there is a learning period one has to withstand in order to properly understand the techniques to use and the format to which to adhere. The first jokes and bits I wrote for the stage were underdeveloped. The first script I ever wrote was horribly unfunny and without form. And this movie review probably won’t seem like too well written. Second of all, the movie I’ve chosen to review, District 9, will be particularly challenging for me to critique since I haven’t seen it. Not only that, I haven’t seen a preview for it during other movies. I haven’t even seen a commercial for it on TV, mostly because I torrent everything and watch it on the computer with no commercial interruptions. It’s a much quicker way to watch television but it proves a liability when you’re trying to write about a film you haven’t seen. In any case, those are my caveats. You are not going to see anything in the way of reliable spoilers. Reliable, because I’m probably going to include some spoilers but they’ll be based off my knowledge of the movie gleaned entirely from billboards and bus stop signs. If any what I write actually spoils any parts of the movie for you, I think I should get some sort of award for being so randomly rad at guessing.

Peter Jackson’s 8th film is by far his grandest vision of the future. (I also am not going to do any research on anything, so I’m probably wrong about all the stats I include, too. For instance, I doubt very much that this is Peter Jackson’s 8th film. I know about the 3 Lord of the Rings, and King Kong (which su-u-ucked) but that’s all of what I’m aware. I get the sense that he’s done other stuff, though, right? I mean they’re not going to let him direct The Lord of the Rings if he hadn’t done some other stuff first.) It’s quite easy to see why the haute of our society have given him the mantle of “The next Gene Roddenberry.” Jackson amazes us with an ephemeral glimpse at a world most noticeably driven by the production of goods. Though the aliens are the tool by which he builds his vehicle, it is the predictions of a globalized economy that has Mr. Jackson so noticeably worried about the coming decades.

As the film opens, we see little or no conflict between the intelligent species on Earth. For their parts, the aliens seem little more than metaphors for Asians of pre-American involvement in World War II. And though everything seemed fine and dandy for a few years, like they were finally being accepted as equals, we all know what’s about to happen. Distrust, greed, and fear drive a wedge in between the alien leadership and the Earth government. The Earth President, as played wonderfully by Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Not only do I not know if he’s in the movie, I don’t even know if that’s how you spell his name.) decieves the aliens, also colorfully referred to as “Bindles,” into gathering together under the guise of an Earth parade. Little do they know, they’re actually being brought together so they can be rounded up and placed into a high tech internment camp known as “District 9.” To this point, the acting was wonderful with the only weak spot being Peter Jackson’s incessant need to cast his wife in every film he touches. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but she can’t act, and physically, she’s no longer believable as a high school cheerleader/debate team chairperson. In everyone else, however, Jackson has instilled a sense of awe mixed with a casual complacence that I haven’t seen in a film since Stanley Kubrick’s masterpiece, “2001, or 2010 or whatever.”

The only problem with District 9 is that the Earth government didn’t round up all the Bindles. There were pockets of people who were either too sick or too cool to go to the Earth parade. The too sick were quickly rounded up and slaughtered so they can be turned into food. This food will be fed to the prisoners of District 9 in order to demoralize them with the news that they cannibalized the infirmed of their people. The too cool were, however, were too cool to be captured by Earth police (that’s what they call police when there’s just one country of Earth even though we don’t call them American police now) so they go into hiding in the only place the Earth police can’t find them: Broad daylight!

Fuck yeah! The plot thickens and shit. Here’s what had happened. The cooler Bindles have been trying to score sweet hot Earth sluts for years now, and a few have recently developed a technology which covers their Bindle looks and allows them to blend in with native earthlings at clubs and discotheques across the globe. The cool Bindles form a resistance movement led by the coolest of the cool aliens, Faheem (played by gorgeous young newcomer Antonio Acevedes). Faheem blends in perfectly with the Earthlings. He wears black pants and a black shirt with the first 3 buttons undone to display his chest hair and a gold necklace. He drives around in a Silver Mercedes convertible that his father bought for him through his hard work. The older generation of Bindles actually had a great work ethic and strong family values. But they’ve spoiled the children and now the younger generation acts horribly, going to clubs every night, wearing Drakkar-Noir to excess, keeping Ed Hardy in business walking around with a sense of entitlement, and just generally acting like fucking Persians.

Faheem hatches a plan to turn District 9 into an actual working space station, fully equipped with proton torpedoes. That was the one weakness that the floating internment camp had, that it could too easily be turned into a battleship. But in his hubris and haste the Earth president overlooked that risk and rushed into this plan. The movie moves on, with some very interesting shots that have become staples of a Peter Jackson project. He enjoys shooting large landscapes and continues to show a fascination with the environment around us. I wish more directors would take time to smell the roses, as it were. (No idea what that meant)

I don’t want to spoil anything for the readers, but I will say that there is one amazingly shot sequence in which Faheem, now completely in charge of a working space battle station, is firing proton torpedoes at every major city on the planet, forcing the Earth people to go into slavery for their bindle masters. And from that point, until 10 minutes later as Phillip Seymour Hoffman is trying to still maintain his composure as he signs his people’s freedom away in a peace treaty, we can see the brilliance of Peter Jackson as he directs Faheem to reveal a slight smile right before he stabs the Earth President and announces to the world that the treaty is denied, but they will live in peace as brothers.

Overall, I’d give this movie 4 out of 5 stars. The story is good, but the special effects were riveting. If you don’t like SFX because you’re a mindless hipster or a stupid fucking bitch, I’d suggest checking out Julia and Julia this weekend. It’s got wonderful pacing and an understated charm. If that last sentence sickened you, then you’re a normal person who isn’t too douchey to appreciate flashing lights and sweet God damn explosions. If so, I would definitely give District 9 a chance. And make sure to stay to the end of the credits. They play the new Ace of Base music video. The video sets up the sequel, letting you know that the Earth President survived the knife attack and goes underground on a Rambo style killing spree that’s the bloodiest sequence I’ve ever seen in cinema and quite frankly made me question my ability to feel love. Also, they have bloopers.