Comedian Ari Shaffir

I woke up at 2:30 pm yesterday and got ready for an interview on the local sports station, Team 990. There are a lot of sports station called The Team, which I think is unfair to golf and tennis. When I grew up in Maryland, we got a new sports station with the call letters WTEM and they also called themselves The Team, but my brother and I always called them The Tem because you don’t spell team without an A.

I loved those old days right when WTEM started. It was 570 on the am dial and not that many people knew about it. So my friends and I could always call in and speak to the guy on air pretty much whenever we wanted to. Those were the days that Tony Kornheiser had his own morning radio show. He had one rule, which I still remember today and like. If you call in, just get straight to the question. Don’t say hi or how are you or good morning or I love the show. When unaware people did that, Tony would just hang up on them. I liked it because that stuff always slows down whatever flow you were having. It’s pretty much just dead brain time for the DJ until the guy gets to his damn question or comment. Some caller did that while I was on Team 990 in Montreal and it made me think of Kornheiser and smile.

So I got back to the hotel and went to fuck around a little with the Just For Laughs staff. They have an unwritten rule that the staff is not allowed to sleep with the comics. And I understand the reasoning for that. The staff is totally fun to hang out with. I’d probably sleep with any of 15 of them. Even the dudes are cool. But I just don’t see it getting to a physical level with dudes. I think it would take someone REALLY charismatic and intimidating to get me to experiment with homosexuality while I’m busy in a new country trying to find representation. While the dudes who work at JFL are cool, I don’t think they have what it takes to steal my buttginity.

So I thought I was supposed to do a Bubbling with Laughter show at Club Soda at 7, but then I found out it was a misprint in my schedule and I’m supposed to do that show tonight. So I had the evening free until 11. I went to check out the New Faces show. That’s the biggest industry show they have. It’s a bunch of undiscovered talent that the festival has handpicked to put in front of networks, agents, managers and production companies. They each get a 6 minute set and it’s a nerve racking experience for the comedians. Crush, and you’ve just crushed in front of nearly everybody who needs to know if you’re funny or not. Bomb and you’ve just bombed in front of the people who hold the keys to the locks. One 6 minute set is not the ideal way to tell how talented a person is, but that’s the system that’s been set up. It works way better for girls who get their boyfriends to write their material for them and boys that just started and don’t really have much more time than that.

The show went well. The place was packed, which was a concern for the festival people. The economy and whatnot. Nobody bombed. But the two people who really had good sets were Chris D’elia and more than anybody, Moshe Kasher. He leveled the place. I was surprised at myself for actually rooting for all of them instead of hoping for their failure. I wanted to do that show this year (and last year, and the year before, and the year before, and the year before and the year before and the year before) but they never chose me for it and then they pretty much said this year that I’d grown past that level and I’d never do it so quit trying and just do the Nasty Show. Usually, I would guess that would result in an inner bitterness, but I found that I was pulling for them all and enjoying the actual show and jokes. Plus some girl that I’m visually in love with was sitting in front of me, so that made everything nicer.

After that I rushed over to the Comedyworks on Bishop for the 11pm show. They switched me to 2nd to last, so I had plenty of time to get drunk and high before I went on. I followed Tom Rhodes, who I’d never seen live before. He’s got a good connection level with a crowd. It was nice to see. He seems like a nice dude, too. I had a really fun time up there. I really like playing small rooms. Maybe that’s what’s holding me back. I’ve already achieved what I really want in my heart, I can play those small fun rooms, so I don’t work hard enough to get the next thing. That’s retarded and wrong, but I like it as a theory.

After that we took the shuttle back to the hotel for booze. Len from Skunk came out with his friend. It was a really good time. All the comics and the agents were all mingling together getting drunk and having fun. At some point my friend Kristoff pulled out a joint of something really good and we passed that around in the outside area. It got me fun high. Maybe it was the mixture of beer and pot, but everything was hilarious last night. D’elia and his brother and Kristoff and Len were all cracking me up. I love getting in that mood. A part of you knows you’re only laughing so much because of the pot, but another part of you says, “Shut up, first part of me. Just enjoy the fucking ride.” And then you go back to laughing. I’m really gonna try to do that again tonight. Everybody gets there around midnight or 1 and the bar stays open until 3ish. I was in such a good mood I even managed to laugh at the 9 dollar beer prices. Really? 9 dollars for one Canadian domestic beer? Yes, really. As a Jew I applaud the gaul it takes to charge that much to a bunch of people who are already paying you to sleep there. That’s why a lot of people hate Dick Cheney. They always point to the fact that he invented a war in order to build a business he profits from. “He’s made billions off an illegal war” is what they always say. But I say, “Dude. The guy invented a God damn war just to make money. That’s awesome. I couldn’t even invent a fistfight to make a hundred bucks. But this guy invented a whole war and made billions.” Props to the master.

Well, Ari, congratulations on another blog that doesn’t go anywhere and doesn’t wrap anything up. I started with waking up late and finished with Dick Cheney. Way to waste your BA from Maryland, idiot. Go take a dump.