Comedian Ari Shaffir

I just got home from a really fun trip to Atlanta, Georgia. I was there with my friends Joe Rogan and Brian Redban. We did standup at the Punchline Comedy Club. We drove around looking at the Atlanta scenery. We went to a few radio stations on Friday morning. And we ate.

We went to Fogo de Chao, and pounded down Brazilian steak and fried bananas until it was overflowing from our rectums. We went to some awesome Chinese place (I think the Canton Restaurant or something like that) which had some of the best General Tsoa’s, eggrolls, and hot & sour soup I’ve had in my life. We had Arby’s, which is always good. We got shakes from Wendy’s. We got sandwiches from the supermarket. We got lox and bagels with cream cheese from Einstein Bagels. And we got sausage links, eggs and biscuits from some delicious airport restaurant. And above all, we got fat.

Or rather, I did. I don’t pay attention to the other guys’ bodies. But I came home and weighed in at a whopping 203. Now, I realize a lot of you might not think 203 pounds is very big for a towering man of 6 feet 3 inches. But you have to understand, you only think that way because you’re fatter than I am. Kill yourself. I should be somewhere between 180 and 185. In high-school, I was 6′3″ and 165. Granted I was too thin, but remember 2 things. One, it’s better to be too thin than to be too fat, and two, don’t forget that I just called you fat, you fat fatty. 182 is perfect.

So this week I’m going to try a completely fad diet. It’s not really a fad, since I’ve never heard of it before and it’s not popular in any way. But it is a fad diet in terms of its almost inevitable result in failure.

I’m going to eat nothing but meat for 7 straight days. I can have any kind of meat I want. Beef, chicken, fish (for my inner gaywad), ham/bacon/pork (for the nail in the coffin of my bid to get into heaven), ostrich, buffalo, turkey (for my inner gaywad’s inner gaywad), and all the others that I’m too tired to recall. It’s kind of like the Atkin’s diet, but waaaaaaay unhealthier.

Of course I’m going to let myself drink, but only water. And I can have any seasonings I want on the meat. Right now, I’m looking at a dry rub I got in Dallas last year. I’m not going to eat any potatoes, or string beans, or broccoli or anything else with the meat. The only thing I’ll allow is sauteed onions or mushrooms if it’s supposed to be served on top of the actual steak, and hot peppers if I see them. I’m going to count each of those as a seasoning. The same goes for hot sauce and ranch for chicken wings. But bleu cheese does not count, because bleu cheese contains a nutrient I call vitamin suck.

I won’t have any buns. I won’t have any side dishes. I won’t have any other dishes. I won’t have any snacks (unless you count a 6 piece of McNuggets). I won’t have any popcorn at the movies. I won’t get some ice-cream or a Slurpee on a hot day. I won’t finish the last fry off my buddy’s plate. I won’t even eat the pickle slice off a hamburger patty before I throw away the bread, onions, lettuce, and tomatoes. And I won’t eat any McDonald’s hamburger patties because they contain at least 70% cardboard and cowfeed. Meat and only meat for 7 days.

I just went to Ralph’s and found a whole bunch of t-bones and porterhouses on some super 50-60% off sale. So that’s where I’ll start.

I honestly don’t know if this is going to cause me to lose a small amount of weight, or gain a humongous amount of fat, but it should be delicious either way.

Oh, and obviously, I’m going to allow myself to brush my teeth, smoke pot, chew gum, and take pain killers, but I can only wash them down with water.

I’ll try to leave updates on how it’s going and how weak I’m getting (from lack of nutrients). I’m assuming I’ll pass out at least a couple of times. And I’m already positive I’m going to need to buy a new toilet on Monday.

Good luck to me. May God have mercy on my stomach.