Comedian Ari Shaffir

Hooters Sucks

There was a time when I got really excited when I got to go to a Hooters Restaurant. I remember wanting to catch any glimpse of cleavage and the waitresses there always had it in abundance. And those leggings they wore! Whoa! They stretched the entire length of the leg and made their legs seem as tan and smooth as humanly possible. It’s kind of like what Batman did for his physical performance, they did to their legs.

But years passed by and I’ve fucked a lot of women. Some ugly, some hot. And more importantly, I’ve watched a TON of porn. It’s free on the internet now. No more driving down to the adult bookstore, or going into the back room at Erol’s Video where you had to push apart the beads as quietly as possible so no one saw you go back there. And then waiting till there was no line at the counter before placing your pornographic videos on the counter so the clerk can look at you like the degenerate you are. Now you just click a button that promises a robot that you’re over 18 years old and you can find all the porn you want right on your laptop. Redtube and Youporn are my sites of choice. You might have your own favorites. What I like to do, is load up a bunch of choice clips and then rest my laptop on my chest, as I reach around it to play with myself, all the while trying not to move to much to keep from waking up the girl sleeping to my left. The headphones I got from American Airlines keep her from waking up when some country farmgirl gets impaled on her neighbor’s cock. Then I just shut the laptop, throw the inside out sock to the ground and fall asleep.

With porn I can choose between amateur stuff, black on white (meh), blow jobs, milf (usually gross, but sometimes awesome), white on black (totally not interested), bondage, barely legal, big boobs, creampies (no thanks), foot fetish (not interested), anal, Asian, 70’s, pissing (not hot, but interesting), Latina, Lesbian (what’s the point), squirting, and a whole bunch of others I don’t have the energy to think up. Then you can also pretty much pick out any room of the house and you can find internet clips of two people fucking in it. And that includes an awesome one in a garage I once saw, and one on a roof that wasn’t bad.

And then with all that swirling in my head on a nightly and afternoonly basis, you’re going to send me to Hooters to get worked up? Are you kidding. It’s a bunch of chicks in orange shorts and white tank tops not fucking. They don’t even make fuck noises. All they do is get my damn order wrong until they finally manage to deliver wings that are way too breaded and never spicy enough. There’s an 8 year old boy sitting over there with his mommy and daddy. And you want me to care about some vapid chick moving from his table to mine because she drew a heart over her name and wrote it on a piece of paper when I sat down with my golf buddies? Kill yourself.

Fuck you, Hooters, you fake strip club.