Comedian Ari Shaffir

They’re all idiots.

Here’s the deal. When some random stranger lets you down it’s not the biggest deal in the world. When a friend disappoints you, it’s way worse. Here’s why.

Everybody sucks to a degree. People you know and love as well as people you don’t. After you’ve spent some time on this earth, you’ll start to gravitate towards certain people. It’s pretty random that you’ve ended up gravitating towards the people you now considered friends and loved ones. But once you’ve ingrained someone in your life, you tend to give them the benefit of the doubt on almost all things. When they’re heartbroken, it always seems like it’s the other person’s fault. When they get too drunk, it’s funny, not repulsive. I had a girlfriend once who was as rude to wait staff as I’ve ever seen anyone. And she was a waitress herself. I don’t know how I convinced myself it was OK but because I loved her, I managed to ignore the fact that she was a cunt. That’s what endearment is all about. Seeing the best in your flawed loved ones.

But when someone you don’t know acts abhorrently towards a waiter or waitress, you get angry and wonder if they act that way because they’re compensating for their white trash upbringing. When a stranger gets drunk and starts acting like a retard, it’s not funny or cute. It’s annoying. When some random person gets their heart broken, you tend to see the situation with an unbiased eye and you can pretty evenly tell (knowing all the facts) who was to blame.

So you usually see the good in your friends. Even when their behavior is not up to par. I have a friend named David Taylor who most everyone else describes as one of the biggest assholes in America. That may or may not be true (I haven’t met all the other leading assholes), but regardless, he’s my friend, and I usually negatively judge the person of the day who is accusing David of being what he almost certainly is. “They’re being weak.” “They started a fight they couldn’t finish.” “They’re misinterpreting his lack of facial expression and social skills.” My other theories on life dictate that if many, many, many people have the same independently derived observations, it is almost certainly true. But because we’re friends, my views on David have been positively clouded. If I didn’t know him, I would probably see what everyone is talking about. It’s kind of the same as when a mother tries to defend her murderer son. Nobody likes a murderer, but since the mother loves her child, she looks past a little killing. Now that I think about it, I could see a lot of people justifying the behavior of a murderer if David Taylor was the one killed. You really have no idea just how many people hate this guy. It’s kind of amazing. But my point is, even with all that, he’s still my buddy, and I still see the best in him. David is just one of the people I’ve invited into my life. Almost all of them are douche bags in some way or other, but I can barely ever see it because I have connected with them on an almost kindred level. They are friends.

The problem with trusting a friend, is that once they’ve betrayed that trust, you no longer see them with those rose colored glasses any more. Their negative behavior is judged for exactly what it is. Their neutral behavior is no longer viewed as a positive. And because you know them so well, it’s tough for them to only show a good side of themselves. You’ll know what they’re not showing you.

And it’s all because you of that one broken trust. That’s the moment that starts you judging them differently. It’s not the same as when you get angry. It’s deeper. When you get angry, you still love the person you’re angry with. When a trust is broken, you start questioning yourself as to why you invited them into your life in the first place, or why they’re still in your life. So you end up losing not only the thing with which you trusted them, but the actual friend as well.

It’s kind of like not leaving money in your car. Because if your car ever gets stolen, then you lose your money, too. It’s better to just lose one. It’s the same advice I used to give for people picking a college roommate. Don’t live with a buddy. You’re inevitably going to fight about roommate stuff no matter with whom you live, so you may as well just fight with a stranger and have your buddy live next door so you can talk to him about it.

My overall point or advice is, just don’t trust your friends. It’s not worth it. Most people aren’t very trustworthy to begin with. They lie to you. They lie to themselves. They justify and bargain and convince themselves of any number of details in order to help them look out for themselves rather than look out for you and your interests. You only have so much trust to give out, it’s better to place yours in the hands of a stranger. Trust people who, if they ever break it, won’t cost you a friendship.