Comedian Ari Shaffir

I have a theory that insomnia doesn’t apply to me because I never have to wake up for anything. I sleep when I’m tired and I wake up when I’m done being tired. On Friday of last week, I woke up at 7:45 pm. Well, really I woke up at 7pm, but then I went back to sleep for another 45 minutes. I had slept for 11 hours. I guess that’s what I needed that “night.” And then when I finally did get up, I got up quick, because I had a set at the Improv at 8:20. So I nearly overslept the 12 minutes of work I actually had to do that day.

GOD I love being a stand up comedian!

In my feeble mind, here’s how I think most people’s days begin.

You wake up at 7:10 then hit snooze and sleep till 7:19. Get up; shave; shower; brush your teeth; take your Propecia for your male pattern baldness; take your Adapin, Nardil, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Effexor, and Ludiomil for your crippling depression; roll on your Old Spice High Endurance Red Zone Solid Anti-Perspirant Deodorant with the Mountain Rush scent; get dressed in your acceptable but unimpressive work outfit; get in the car which you purchased only after weeks were spent trying to figure out which make and model would most impress the girl you were interested in at the time based on your limited budget, but within 6 months you stopped even thinking about which type of car you drive and it blends into the earth tone fabric of your life, until you get hit by a drunk and have to get a different car to impress a different girl, this time with the inadequate insurance settlement, as your downpayment; then you drive to McDonalds for McGriddle, hashbrowns, and a medium coffee, which you consume in the car during the 40 minute commute while listening to whatever local morning DJ replaced Howard Stern in your life since he switched to pay radio; and pull in to the work parking lot at 8:53 am.

As you wait for the elevator, Tim Johnson or Jim Thompson (you can never remember) walks up holding his own coffee.

“(yawn) Good morning,” you say.

“(yawn) Good monring, Bill” he responds. He’s been calling you Bill for the last 6 months for some reason. Asshole can’t even bother learning your name.

“(yawn) Do anything fun last night?” you ask.

“(yawn) No. You?” he asks back doing that nervous laugh thing people do when there’s nothing funny to laugh at but they’re too uncomfortable not to fill their sentence with any emotion.

“(yawn) Just watched the game a little.” you answer.

“”(yawn) Yeah, I watched till the 6th inning then I had to get some shut-eye.” he says as he chuckles again.

“(yawn) 4th inning for me, and then…” You let the sentence trail off because the elevator has arrived, saving you from any more time spent connecting with this human.

You ride up together in silence. Tim/Jim and Not Bill. Both staring at the floors changing while thinking about exactly nothing until the doors open on 6 and you both step out.

“”(yawn) Have a good one” He beat you to it.

“(yawn) You too, buddy” you say as you walk in the opposite direction, making sure to hurry to your desk to actually start working before 9:00 so you can say you started on time when you get caught fucking off and talking to your “real” work friends at 10:15.

That’s pretty much what I think my life would be without stand up comedy. So you’ll excuse me if I don’t care that everyone calls me a degenerate for consistently waking up in the pm hours. It’s now 10:39 in the morning. I haven’t slept yet. I’m almost tired. I’m gonna watch episode 13 of season 2 of the Sopranos. I never watched an episode and now I’m gonna watch all 6 seasons in 2 months. Then i’ll probably sleep for a while. Then I have to wake up for a poker tournament at 6:30.

Anyway, so the point of all this was to say that just because I can’t fall asleep doesn’t mean I’m an insomniac.